Sex advice for Vancouver Island University students excerpted from The Navigator newspaper.
Question: I was chatting with my friend the other day and she confessed to never having an orgasm. Ever. Not even when alone. I was a little shocked! I didn’t think that this was still such a problem, especially with young, open women like my friend. How is it possible for a woman to go through her life and not have an orgasm, and wouldn’t that have some sort of effect–emotional or physical–on girl? I hope you and/or Kim can give me some insight.
My Response: First of all, congratulations on having such an open and frank discussion. Your friend obviously trusts you with very private info so good for you!
Yes, young women are more open these days, but that doesn’t mean they are any more orgasmic. In fact, with all of the mixed messages from media, pop stars and our peers, it can put even more pressure on women to ‘perform’ and that can create inhibition which will reduce one’s chances of orgasm. Studies say that approximately ten percent of women are anorgasmic or what I call ‘pre-orgasmic’ – it just has happened yet. I know quite a few women who didn’t have their first climax until they were in their thirties or even forties. It really isn’t that unusual. There are many reasons for this such as religion, parents fearful sexual messages, societal ideals, and the legacy most of us have inherited of fear, shame, embarrassment (and lots of other negative feelings associated with sex) that past generations of frustrated women have given us.
As a coach, I help women discover what is happening that is good while lovemaking and what is happening right at the point where she stops her upward spiral towards orgasm and we look at how to keep the good stuff happening and wipe out any blocks that are in her way. It can take time, but if a woman wants to achieve a climax, whether with herself while masturbating or with a partner, as long as she has a clitoris, then it is possible!
There are also some super heavy duty vibrators that we use to assist with orgasm difficulty as well.
As to whether it will have an emotional effect, that depends on the woman. Some women come to terms with it, they accept it and still have a very satisfying sex life. Most women, though, are frustrated and that frustration will add pressure and make things worse. One of the first things a sex therapist will do is suggest that for at least 30 days you are not to even consider trying to have an orgasm – mainly to take the pressure off you! Now physically, there are many ways women can find stress relief – orgasm isn’t the only way (but it is a fun one!) – and they can also still have very pleasurable sex. Women tend not to get a “blue balls” effect the way men can if they don’t have orgasmic release after a long period of arousal. Some women may find they cramp a little, but this generally passes quickly.
You should always rule out any physical causes by seeing your GP or gynecologist to make sure that physically you are able to have an orgasm. Our society can be very goal oriented and in reality, isn’t the true goal of sex to experience deep, intimate connection with another human being we care about? That doesn’t sound like ‘orgasm’ to me.
Kim Switnicki, ACC
Sex Educator & Intimacy Coach for Women
Rediscover your passion for sex and have a juicy marriage that lasts!
250.753.8692
www.KimSwitnicki.com
Author of “Great Sex for Hard Times” and “G-Spot PlayGuide: 7 Simple Steps to G-Spot Heaven!”
Free Report here on the Top 10 Ways to be a Sexier, more Confident Woman
